that click click

The first time I asked a guy out I ended up hyperventilating in his car.

I kid you not. Unfortunately for me, chivalry was a dead concept to him and offering me a brown paper bag didn’t even cross his mind.

Literally weeks of planning—fashion sessions with my best friend to pick out the perfect outfit, practicing 20 different ways of asking the question every morning in front of the mirror, and an unhealthy dose of tic tacs—were all whittled down into six measly, and very wheezy little words, “Will…(gasp)…you (gasp)….go (gasp)…out (gasp)…with (gasp)…me?”

Lucky for me, hyperventilating has now become a regular hobby in this harsh and cruel world of online dating.

Most of these sites not only tell someone that another person has viewed their profile when they’ve clicked on their name, but actually tells you exactly who it is that’s checking you out.

That’s the equivalent of constantly being caught giving some guy the old “up—down and perhaps a little down—up” glance while selecting your week’s bag of tater tots at the Piggly Wiggly.

Please tell me you've been there and that I'm not the only person out there that's checked people out at the grocery store.

I try to be sly. But sometimes, I get caught, drawing attention to myself and my box of Disney princess fruit snacks.

Impressive I know. You should check out the Dora the Explorer yogurt packs.

Now every time I want to show the slightest of interest in a potential match, I ALWAYS get caught.

As a child, I was a big fan of the game ding dong ditch. You know, where all the little hoodlums of the neighborhood go ring some unsuspecting neighbor's doorbell and then they all run away.

Why can’t I ding dong click & ditch?

(Common sense tells me that no one ever got themselves into a romantic relationship without showing an interest. My non-logical brain prefers to remain exasperated. And slightly embarrassed).

Insert on grocery list: jumbo pack of brown paper bags.