Amy's guide to churching it alone

In honor of my last two weekends churching it alone, I give you my February 2008 post on the single girl's guide to putting some class in attending mass...

You would think, of all the places to be single, church would be the most friendly.

For as long as I can remember, mass has been a group activity. From birth til I was 18, Mom & Pop Guckeen and I settled into a pew smack dab in the middle of St. Anne's church. Always on the right side. God forbid we'd switch it up and sit on the left. Our seating arrangements rarely varied. Me, Mom, then Dad. Unless of course I was playing that mass. It probably would've been a bit hard to play piano from that far back.

At Marquette it was much of the same, my usual spots switching depending upon whether I was cantoring, playing, or singing with the choir. The only time I sat in a pew was when I was doing soundcheck.

Pews are hard. I didn't like it very much.

So imagine my surprise when June rolled around and there I was. Alone and in Milwaukee. In a pew. (Well technically a chair, the cathedral doesn't have pews). Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. All by myself. My right hand shaking my left at the Sign of Peace. 

Okay. Perhaps that's an exaggeration. But in my 9 months of going it alone, I believe I have established the official rulebook on how to church it alone. 

5. Choose your seat wisely. There's nothing worse than feeling like the smelly kid at the Sign of Peace, unless of course, you are smelly. Then you deserve it. Don't sit somewhere where you'll need some sort of extendable arm just to shake hands. I've heard they're expensive and hard to come by. 

4. Always put money in the collection. Even if it's just 50 cents. You likely spent at least 10 times that at the bar last night. You must thank the house of the man who turned water into wine. And we're talking classy wine with a cork. Not something that comes in a box. 

3. When in doubt, just sing really really really loud. 

2. Never sit on the outside end of an otherwise empty pew, obstructing all other potential traffic in and out of the pew. You are single. You have your own space in just about every other social situation. That doesn't entitle you to your own pew. You're bound to get at least one parent, no doubt envious of all the extra room your butt is enjoying compared to their cramped slab of wood with six kids under the age of 5, that will despise you purely based on all that excess space. And they will not intervene when their child decides to start throwing their ever so pointy G.I. Joes at you.

1. It is never okay to check someone out when they're coming back from communion. They are in the process of digesting the Body of Christ. Going up for communion, that's another story.